He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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