capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
