Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
