$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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