One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
