No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Houston, we have a squirter
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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