I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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