I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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