I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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