i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
