i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
