I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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