Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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