You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
