we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we're making bets on your personal life
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
