last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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