I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
