When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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