I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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