So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
