If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
