Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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