Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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