hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
no you cant smoke seaweed
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can't turn off my feet"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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