Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
