I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
