i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
