I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
