Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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