we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize