I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
