Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
