I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
