You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
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Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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