Soap is not a condiment
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
