Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS