how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?