Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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