I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
