wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
