Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
