And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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