good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
we're so committed to being not committed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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