Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
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I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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