Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
