He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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