in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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