I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
