I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
