dude i'm inner monologue high
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
