after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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