She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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