I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She said her name was "party"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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