one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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