I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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