The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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