Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
