did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.