Jerry, you need to find god
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life