these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
someone owes me an orgasm
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....