Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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