i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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