sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
