Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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